Q:
Dear Christa,
I am 36 have been married for 13 years to my beautiful wife. We are both professionals. We put off starting our family, so that we could both focus on careers. Now that we are trying to have a family, we have found out that we wasted valuable time and are infertile. She told me that she wanted to be a mother when we were just dating. I agreed that we would, but I found myself making up excuses and delaying everything. Now that we are unable to conceive, I think I have failed her. What can I do to make it up to her?
Thanks,
A Sorry Husband
A:
Dear Sorry Husband,
Whoa! Hold them horses bucko! I can tell that you feel guilty for not being able to create a family at will. I understand that a career can absorb a good majority of your attention and energy. I even "get" that you might have created reasons to hold of on parenthood...but give yourself a LITTLE break. There is NO WAY you could have known that delaying a family would take this turn. You are still quite young and it is very acceptable for a couple to spend several years "honeymoon-ing" and living as a married "family of two". You shouldn't beat yourself up. After becoming parents, the freedoms of being able to travel, to have certain hobbies, or carry a demanding workload are lost or restricted.
So what if you felt that you wanted to focus on your career and work hard to achieve a certain level of comfort and financial security for your family...is that a BAD thing? I don't think so. Many of your fellow readers probably agree with me. I DO understand that in hindsight, you would have done things a little differently. But wouldn't we ALL in some aspect of our lives?
As for your question about "making it up" to your beautiful wife. I am going to say something that you might consider. One way to truly make her happy is for you to LET GO of this GUILT and give your wife the GIFT of a HUSBAND that is TUNED IN 110% to creating a family. It may mean that you have to sacrifice a "Tee-time" with the boys here or there, so that you can "take care of business" in the bedroom. You may need to spend many hours with her, researching your options and gathering information here on www.conceivableworld.com. She may need you to attend doctor appointments with her. Whatever "it" takes. Whatever "it" may be... start by telling her that you regret that things got off to a late start and that you are 110% committed to doing YOUR PART in creating a family with her. This will help your wife feel loved and supported. And that, my friend... will make all of the difference in the world.
I hope you take advantage of the many resources here at CW. As you may know, men are "wired" a little differently from women. I think it wise to work through those feelings so that the guilt doesn't get in the way of your ability to "perform"....both at work, or at home between the sheets!! Good Luck!
Christa
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Q:
Dear Christa,
I have no desire to be a father at this point in my life, but recently I have considered sperm donation. I am a young, healthy, and educated man in my late 20's. I am close friends with a lesbian couple and they are in the beginning stage of researching sperm banks for inseminations. I would like to offer to help, but I do not want to look like a creep and I want them to know that I would not be trying to be the "dad". How would one work this subject into a conversation?
I appreciate your thoughts.
A Helpful Friend
A:
Dear Helpful Friend,
I would like to thank you for your generosity. Your girlfriends are lucky to have a selfless friend who would offer such a gift. There is a specific place here on www.conceivableworld.com that is a step by step guide for both yourself and your recipient friends to consider when pursuing sperm donation. There are certain blood tests that you, the would be donor, (IE: Hepatitis, STD screenings and other testing) that must be preformed. These tests are put in place by the FDA. Many fertility clinics and sperm banks have their own requirements and protocol in addition to those set forth by the FDA. So, you will need to know up front that there is a bit of a time factor involved. It is not as simple as we might assume.
How to bring this up in conversation you ask? Hmmmmmm. Well, I think your approach needs to embody compassion for their situation and be forthright with where you are coming from. If you say, "Ladies, I would like to talk to you about something that I have been thinking about for some time....". Explain to them what your thoughts and feelings are about their pursuit of parenthood. Offer them your support. Share with them your knowledge about CW and what information you have gathered here. Offer that they consider you as their donor. Tell them that you have no desire to take a parental role. Based on their response, be willing to contact their fertility clinic or sperm bank to find out what the requirements would be to make a successful sperm donation on their behalf.
Now, since you asked me this question, I can imagine that you have thought about the "what if's". So...."What If" they say, "No thank you?" Be prepared that they may NOT need or want you to participate. While your offer is a wonderful act of kindness, it may not be "right" for them. They may want an anonymous donor. They might have physical, racial, or other preferences that makes going through a sperm bank a better option for them. Be understanding and accepting of their answer. Prepare yourself ahead of time to give them time to talk things through. This would be a rather big decision for any couple, so expecting them to respond on the spot wouldn't be fair. If you communicate with them that you are educating yourself about the process and that you wish them well either way, they will likely respond with gratitude for the support from a caring friend.
If you feel that sperm donation is right for you, then contact a sperm bank or fertility clinic listed in the directory located here on www.conceivableworld.com. You are a GREAT individual for wanting to meet the needs of others. I think you're a stud and I wish that there were more men out there, like you, that would donate genetic material to couples in need.
Bravo!
Christa
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Q:
Dear Christa,
I found out when I was twelve that I was adopted by my parents. I know nothing about my health background. As far as I know, I am healthy and capable of having kids, but I plan to adopt. I didn't like finding out about my relationship to my parents not being "by blood" when I was that age. Life was hard enough. I want to be an open book to my children. My husband says we should wait until they are at an age of understanding and after we have bonded well with the kids to tell them. That makes me uncomfortable. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Wants to be Open
A:
Dear "Open",
I am wondering if you and your husband can come to a compromise. It is obviously important to you that you are open with your children, but your husband has reservations about it being at an early age. When you "found out", you must have had so many unanswered questions. This must have been difficult on you as an already emotional, hormonal pre-teen. I think it is wonderful that you have decided to bring a child into your home via adoption. You are amazing for wanting to make a wonderful difference in their life!
I would spend some time researching the qualified individuals at the Adoption Agencies that are listed with www.conceivableworld.com. They may give you tips on what age and how as parents to share information on this sensitive subject with your child. The fact that you can share with them that you relate to their feelings directly may help them feel more accepting of the news, but maybe in time. I understand that your husband is wanting for them to learn as it is age appropriate, but that also may depend on each child individually. What one child may appear to understand at age 5,10 or 14 will differ from child to child.
I was adopted by my step-father at a very young age, before I was at the age of two, I think. I did not meet my biological father until after I was 16. I remember growing up knowing I had a different father than my siblings. It wasn't a secret. I can't remember a moment when my mother "told" me, I think it was just treated like many people today, treat "blended families". It was just one of "those things"...no big deal. I DID have a lot of questions as a young girl. I remember looking at people in a random crowd and just wonder....were any of them my family? Did I have other brothers or sisters? Did I have grandparents? Stuff like that. I wasn't ashamed or crushed, just curious. I think that learning when I was young seemed to benefit me, but my situation was not like yours in that I had one of my parents in my home. I think that no matter what age you decide to inform your child, there will be questions. And for that, you should be prepared.
I would like to see that you and your husband unite on this decision and I think that a therapist that specializes in this area would be your best bet. If you can get examples of dialogue and guidelines from a professional and implement them as recommended, then I think that you would be setting yourselves up for harmony in your home and a happy family. You should be able to find several agencies and counselors to help you listed with CW. I wish you all the luck in the world!
Thank you for sharing!
Christa