Coping with Infertility- (Download eBook)

So you’ve both decided that you’re going to take that big step, good for you! Now that you’ve ditched your birth control and started charting your ovulation, getting pregnant will be a cinch, right? Or maybe it’s not always as simple as our mothers told us that it would be…

Ten percent of Americans are said to suffer from infertility. Infertility is not just a physical defect or a chemical imbalance. For you and your partner it can mean wave after wave of difficult decisions, awkward social questions, and volumes of uninvited advice from self-ordained experts. Unfortunately, we don’t have a say in whether we are one of the couples that will experience infertility.

Often times we get so wrapped up in the physical aspects of infertility that we neglect to care for our emotional being, not for lack of the faithful “just relax” mantra that seems to follow us wherever we go. Depression is common in women and men that are experiencing infertility. It is easy to allow ourselves not only to let our fertility problems overwhelm us, but also to assign blame to either ourselves or our partners. Learning to cope with infertility is just as important as learning to overcome infertility itself.

The Emotional Journey of Infertility

Though you may well understand what your doctor has told you, there is still a journey that many make over and over when they are learning to live with infertility. There are eight steps that are commonly associated with this journey: surprise, denial, stress & anxiety, anger, self-blame, isolation, grief & depression, and ultimately acceptance.

• Surprise

When your doctor first tells you that your problems conceiving are related to infertility, it's natural that your initial reaction may be shock or surprise. Thoughts like, "How could this happen?", or "This isn't supposed to happen to me!" may overcome you. In the years that we spend in preparation for our own families it's likely that nobody ever mentioned the possibility of infertility. For some, the first emotion experienced is relief or hopefulness. Knowledge of infertility gives them an answer to why they have been having difficulty trying to conceive. Hope can be rekindled in knowing that you are not doing something wrong, and understanding that there are options available.

• Denial

Since most do not consider that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men suffer from infertility when they decide to have a family of their own, the information will most likely have difficulty resonating in their minds. Denial is a self-defense mechanism that we use to insulate ourselves from painful knowledge. The voice within may reassure you that you are a healthy man or woman, and that you can't possibly be infertile. It just doesn't make sense! Denial in extremes can drive people to ignore treatment options, or go from specialist to specialist looking for someone to assure them of their fertility. Some never make it past denial.

• Stress & Anxiety

In their search for answers to why this would happen to them, stress and anxiety related to the knowledge of infertility often follows denial. The images of familial bliss, such as families at the park and pregnant women in the grocery store, can be very stressful to witness. These experiences may always be somewhat painful, but in this stage these emotions are amplified. From the anxiety of wondering if you did something wrong, to the fear of never being able to conceive, to a plethora of advice and ignorant comments, to the anticipatory anxiety of each new cycle-stress can strain both your relationships and your faith.

• Anger

Anger is a healthy emotion, but we need to be able to work both through it and past it. Anger stems from many places in infertility. You may be angry that abusive families and teenagers seem to be having no difficulties getting pregnant over and over; you might feel cheated that such a loving mother or father, such as yourselves, may probably not conceive at all. You may be angry at God for denying you the baby you deserve, angry at surrendering your dignity to a series of uncomfortable tests, or surrendering the control you thought you had over your body to a doctor. Financial difficulties and religious conflicts may also ignite your temper. It's natural to be jealous of "normal" families.

• Self-blame

Self-blame, negative self image and guilt are all part of this step on your journey. As humans, if we cannot find an answer to the question "Why?”, we may internalize the blame. This is an irrational, unhealthy process that can lead to depression. Some may start to believe that through some sin or indiscretion they have invited this problem upon themselves. Others may believe that they are being made to suffer as penance for an event that has passed, inviting both physical and emotional pain as though they are paying a debt. It is important to remember that this is irrational thinking. These emotions must be managed as they can have a damaging effect on your personal relationships, career, and every other aspect of your life.

• Social Isolation

Couples may withdraw from social situations as they feel oppressed by images of happy families, pregnancies and babies. Your own family and friends may accidentally or overtly make painful comments, give unwelcome advice, or ask insensitive questions. This breakdown can happen in your own home as well. Men have a tendency to suppress their emotions, and women have a tendency to immerse themselves in treatments. These coping mechanisms can easily be misinterpreted on either side of the fence (she feels he doesn’t care, he feels she’s obsessed). Since 1 in 7 marriages do not survive infertility, it is important to maintain your communications with your partner, and discuss what and how you will communicate with family and friends regarding your situation.

• Grief & Depression

It is natural to grieve over many actual and perceived losses that you have incurred as a result of your infertility. You discovered that you are no longer in control of your body. You surrendered your privacy to medicine in your quest for answers. Your life goals have been altered and your relationships may be suffering. You may have lost faith in your God or your belief in justice. Every time you have another negative test the grieving process can be rekindled. Though grief may be natural, depression is not. Depression is irrational and damaging to yourself and to your relationships. Feelings of unworthiness and loss of purpose in your daily life are baseless and destructive. Develop positive coping techniques, participate in treatment, and monitor your thoughts for rationality and value.

• Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean that you’re ok with it; it just means that you understand and acknowledge the truth and are willing to work through your feelings to progress in whatever your subsequent plans may be. Acceptance may be the end of the journey, but you will probably find yourself making the journey several times, for many reasons. You may not experience all of them, or in this order; this process can take hours or years. Some never even make it to acceptance. No matter what your particular circumstances are, acceptance is the step that allows you to rebuild your relationships, career aspirations, and self-esteem while planning your treatment. In 2002, the CDC reported 7.2 million cases of infertility in America, so the one thing that we know for sure, is that you are not alone.

Keeping Pace with your Emotional Journey

It’s vitally important that you learn how to manage the emotional ups and downs that you may be experiencing. By being aware of dangerous thoughts and patterns that may try to take over along the way, and educating yourself in ways to overcome them, you are paving the path to acceptance.
• Develop habits that reduce stress and anxiety in your life, such as journaling your thoughts and feelings, opening the lines of communication between you and your partner, and developing patterns of behavior so that your day is more predictable.
• Understand that depression can happen to anyone. You have been subject to an emotionally traumatic experience. Learn about signs of major depression. Don’t be ashamed to seek counseling from a religious leader or mental health professional.
• Identify the attacks that you make on yourself. Recognize them for what they are. Defuse the statements and replace them with ones of self-validation. Take the damaging statements and get rid of them.
• Try some relaxation techniques, like walking or jogging, deep breathing, and soothing baths. A little peace in your day can go a long way when you are struggling.
Your emotional health is important to a successful journey. Visit the Conceivable World website at http://www.conceivableworld.com for coping tips and techniques.

Rain Does Not Fall on One Roof Alone

In your discovery and emotional journeys with infertility, it is important to remember to communicate with your partner. Talk with each other about how you feel about the treatments that you are considering and the goals that you both share. When you allow yourself to suffer alone, you only open the door to depression. “Happy is said to be the family which can eat onions together. They are, for the time being, separate from the world, and have a harmony of aspiration.”-Charles Dudley Warner

If at any time your career, relationship, or lifestyles suffer from self-damaging thoughts and actions; or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, you should seek the help of a professional immediately.